Cheese Balls

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Emily. She was rather small, probably only about five or six.

Now, Emily had a daddy who was very tall and was very funny. She looked up to him a lot (ha!) and one of her favorite things that he brought her were cheese balls. Those puffy little corn balls covered in oil and powdered cheese. She loved the way they went "poof" in her mouth and who doesn't love cheese powder, c'mon?!

Well, Daddy would go get canisters of Planter's Cheese Balls and share them with Emily when he had them. Emily would get sad whenever they would run out because then she had to lick the cheesy leftovers off of her fingers and then go wash her hands...but she still wanted more!

One day, Daddy brought home the biggest container of Planter's Cheese Balls that Emily had ever seen! It was as big as her baby brother. You could probably put him in the can and put the lid on and you would never know (she would have to save this thought for a later day).

Of course Daddy shared the Cheese Balls, but sometimes she would get hungry for them while Daddy was gone being a student and she wouldn't be able to get them because they were hidden because the cans were usually small. But not this can. It couldn't be hidden cuz it was as big as her baby brother.

So, one day when Mommy was taking care of her baby brother and the other little kids, Emily found the can of Cheese Balls and carried it to her room. She thought it would be heavy but it wasn't because Cheese Balls are mostly made of air and air isn't heavy like rocks are. Emily's room was at the end of the long hallway, past the kitchen and the bathroom and Mommy and Daddy's room. It had a big glass door in it too.

When she got there she closed the door, sat down and opened the can. There they were. Glorious, orange, puffy, cheesy balls of goodness. She reached in and plucked one from the rest and carefully began to chew until it was gone. Then another, and another and soon handfuls of the Cheese Balls were being shoveled in to her small five year old mouth. Scoop after scoop, she continued until at last she had reached the bottom of the can. Oh no! They were all gone! What was she going to do! She needed mo---

Uh Oh. All of a sudden, Emily didn't feel too good. Her tummy started to hurt and made funny noises. It didn't feel good to sit up so she made for the door and started to crawl to her mommy. She was going to die. She was sure of it. Those weren't Cheese Balls she had been eating, they were mini bombs. Someone wanted to trick her and get rid of her. Well, she wasn't going to give up that easy!

She made it to the potty room and managed to lie down on the floor. Who knows how long she was there or what happened while she was. It is all a mystery, though it is rumored that she threw up and felt better. But, ever since that fateful day, never again has Emily been able to eat the dreaded Cheese Balls. She has chosen to vanquish them by never purchasing them again.

The End.


P.S. Funnel Cake has a similar story attached to it except it revolves around a much older Emily and a very stupid mistake.

My Tomas

So, one of the stupidest arguments I've ever had was about a coffee mug.

I will begin by saying that any morning that my Tomas gets up before me (which is most mornings cuz I'm a lazy ass person...unless I seriously need to be somewhere and get something done), he grinds the coffee, turns on the maker and produces a lovely pot of coffee for us to go out an face the world with. You see, if you didn't know, I have a terrible caffeine addiction. It's kind of like my sleep addiction, but unfortunately it is supposed to help me overcome my sleep addiction...which is supposed to help me overcome my caffeine addiction. As soon as I kick one, then I'll kick the other.

But that's not the point. The point is, my Tomas makes me coffee basically every morning. It isn't that I am incapable of making coffee, I just think it's a pain in the ass to grind the beans every morning and then put it in the thing and...ugh. So much work when I'm tired and can't even make myself eat anything.

Usually one cup can get me through one class, more if I need it, but I generally have time to grab at least one more before the next one. During one of these times, I was sitting on the couch with Tomas and decided I wanted more coffee before I had to go be a student again. Upon making this decision I voiced it by saying, "I want some coffee."

Tomas, being the wonderful, amazing person he is, asked me, "Do you want me to make you some?" So I clearly said, "Yes." See, Tomas is so much better at making my coffee than I am. It's like a science or something and it just tastes better when he does it. I say it's because of the love, but I think he believes it's just because someone else is slaving over a hot cup for my benefit.

He brought me my perfected cup of lifeblood and we sat for awhile watching Home Improvement re-runs on TV because it was still kind of early in the morning so none of the good TV was on yet. When it was almost time to go, I realized that I still hadn't finished my coffee and that I really should, but I didn't want to waste it and drink it too quickly or I wouldn't enjoy it. I was stuck! What to do? Drink it quickly, or enjoy it for a shorter amount of time. NO. Wait. I have it. I'll just bring it with me.

I knew that there was a travel mug somewhere in Tomas' miraculously clean kitchen so I asked him if he could get one for me, but then I changed my mine because really, I didn't need to make more dirty dishes for him, and there wasn't really enough coffee left in my cup to warrant the need for a travel mug. So I said never mind, I'll just use this one.

From here I could just say that we left, I finished my coffee and went to class, but no. We aren't like normal people. We like to argue with each other over stupid things. Like coffee mugs.

He looked at me and said,
"Well, why don't you just use this one?"

Me: Why can't I use this one?

Tomas: Why can't you use this one?

Me: Because I'm already using this one.

Tomas: So?

Me: It would be silly to dirty another cup.

Tomas: No, it's fine. Just use this one.

Me: Why does it matter so much?

Tomas: Just use the travel one. You won't spill.

Me: I'm not going to spill. This one is fine. I'll finish it in the car and you can take it back to the apartment.

Tomas: I really think you should use this one.

Me: Do you just not want me to leave the house with this mug?

Tomas: Yes.

Me: I'm not going to break it.

Tomas: I know that. I just think you should use this one.

Me: No. I'm just going to use this one. I'll finish it in like two seconds. Don't worry about it. Let's just go. (leaves house)

Tomas: Can't you just use this one? (follows me out)

Me: No. I'm already to the car. I'm almost done anyway.

Tomas: (in car, driving me to class) Crap. I forgot something.

Me: That's ok, just go back. Then we can drop off the cup. I finished my coffee.

Or something like that.

Clearly, it was stupid. But to this day I make fun of us for it. We argued about a coffee mug. Really? We've had our moments, but when we talked about it later we couldn't help but laugh. Oh, yeah. That's another thing. We talk about our stupid arguments. Just to make sure the other person isn't actually upset or something. It makes the rest of the day turn out pretty well.

So. It's late. I'm tired. And now I'm going to bed. Sorry if there are a TON of spelling/grammar errors. I need to sleep.

Evidence is Building

I am apparently an attraction for misfortune.

Today, while riding in the car, after having purchased a wonderful yogurt/granola cup from the local convenience store (*note: Tomas bought it because my card never works in Norway), I sat down to open said yogurt and devour its deliciousness when I somehow managed to spill it all over my new dress and the car seat. I was now, wet, sticky and smelled like raspberry yogurt...also, I didn't get to eat it, which was probably the most tragic part.

We had to stop to clean it up and I got to ride the rest of the way to our destination with just a tank-top and some leggings, which would be fine, if it wasn't too cold to wear that.

As further proof to my magnetic attraction for unfortunate events, I shall tell the story of how I sprained my ankle...the first time.

I happened to be a sophomore in high school. I know this because the day after I sprained my ankle was the dance audition for Minnesingers, our chamber choir, and I was only in that for two years. Moving on, I was in my bedroom and for some reason, needed to use the phone. This was before cell phones started to replace landlines, so I was using the one in my bedroom, which of course, was NOT cordless. Add to that an inexplicably long phone wall jack cord and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.

Now, I am not the...neatest person in the world, and so my 10 by 10 square foot bedroom full of furniture and other various 16 year old paraphernalia proved to be a bit of a hazard when you coupled it with a 20 foot phone cord.

I was attempting to call my friend Kory to ask her something of dire importance I'm sure and as I went to close the door after dialing the number I turned around, got tangled in the extra long cord, stepped on a piece of junk on the floor and fell over.

Now, instead of screaming right away, I decided it was best to wait until I knew whether or not someone was going to pick up, so no one would pick up and hear me screaming my head off from the throbbing mass of flesh, bone and muscle attached to my right leg.

I managed to make it to the answering machine and hang up before letting out a very painful noise and as I was lying there on my floor, tangled in the phone cord, holding my foot, I heard a voice from the living room downstairs yell, "Are you ok?"

"Ow" was all I could manage to yell back. Eventually I managed to crawl my way to the door, and I really don't remember much of what happened after that. Not because I passed out or anything, just because I have a terrible memory for small, lame details.

In all reality, it wasn't too bad and I managed to make the choir anyway, so it worked out. However, if you ever doubted my abilities to be a klutz, there you go. Trust me, I have many more. Just ask sometime.

I'm on a boat.

In reality, I am no longer on said boat, but I wanted to quote the song...because I'm awesome.

So yeah. I was on a boat. On the ocean. And it was raining. It wasn't raining when we decided to go for a fun boat ride. The plan was simple, go for a boat ride with the "fam" and then go see the other boat that Tomas' dad has been working on...Oh, did I mention it's big? Yeah. 63 ft long. It's epic. But I haven't gotten to see inside of it yet.

But I am jumping the gun, I should begin by saying that when I woke up this morning, aside from being generally groggy and upset that my dream had been disturbed by a stupid alarm clock, I didn't really expect much from the day. We had no "real" plans, and therefore, I fell back asleep. No biggie. By the time I woke up (note: I said woke up...not got up) it was approximately noon-thirty, and yes this is a real time. Tomas looked at me, in all of my morning beauty and said:

"Hey, wanna watch Daybreakers?! I found it at the gas station!"
Me: Hell yes.

It's a movie about vampires. You really don't need to ask me twice. Oh, I forgot to mention that we didn't have a car this morning. Tomas had to drive it to the mechanics and then walk back at 9:00 am...which is why I wasn't very happy about waking up the first time. Aaaaaaaany way. Needless to say, we watched the movie...then we found out the car was done, so we hopped into Nina (his mom's car) with her and took a trip to the mechanic's and back to get our laundry so we could go shower. I also forgot to mention that we don't have a shower in the house that we are staying in. Just a toilet and a sink. No biggie really, we just wake up whenever and go back to the other house to shower and cook and such. It works out just fine. It also has the interwebs. Again, I digress.

Up until this point I'm pretty sure we had only mentioned the actual boat once, and it wasn't a definite thing. I think "bro" called and asked Tomas if he wanted to go fishing and he was all , "Hey, you want to go fishing today?"
Me: "Yeah, alright. That sounds cool."

I didn't really get too many details, or a yes or no about this, but he seemed pretty intent on making this the plan because once we got to the shower house he managed to make about thirty phone calls to the same two people in order to figure out what was going on. I was eventually told that we would be meeting at the boat at 5:00 pm.
Me: (whilst doing something epic-ly important on facebook) Ok. Cool.
Tomas: Does that sound good?
Me: Yeah. Sure. I'm down.
Tomas: Alright (proceeds to make another phone call)

About twenty minutes later Tomas told me that we might not be meeting up with "bro" because he missed the bus that brings him here so he couldn't make it. (Oh but don't worry, he comes back into the picture.)

So, the time comes when we should be leaving...and 10 minutes pass and we're still here. But that's ok. We left a few minutes later and stopped at first the grocery store to buy snacks, but I bought socks instead. Then at the gas station so Tomas could buy a new lottery ticket, and then back at the shower-less house to change shoes and get...something. I don't remember what.

Despite all of that we still beat Sven and the twins to the dock where the boat was tied up. It was sprinkling a little bit, but I couldn't really feel it...yet.

Eventually everyone arrived and we got in the boat (Which was entirely metal as far as I could tell...it was a diving boat, not really a "passenger" boat per se) and were on our way. It was...cold, but not so cold that I had to zip up my jacket. Well, that lasted for about 5 minutes. We were on our way to pick up "bro" from the other side of the world...It probably only took like 15 minutes but it felt like more. I was sitting on an upturned bucket in the middle of the boat because I still wasn't convinced there were no giant spiders lurking in the boat, just waiting to attack me. Eventually I had pulled up my hood, zipped up my jacket, buttoned up the collar and had hidden my hands inside. I was cold. It was sad. I'm from MN for crying out loud! I didn't care. My hypothermia was beginning to set in and all I wanted was to be in a very hot tub of water where I could feel my toes.

Eventually the boat slowed down. It was warmer, but it was raining. Did I mention that yet? Yeah...it was raining. We drove into a beach...yes, I did say into. We just kind of tried to beach ourselves...but it didn't really work. We then managed to drive under a bridge to some piddly little dock where, lo-and-behold, there was "bro"!!!! He jumped on and we began to drift back out...then the twins and Kevin began trying to fish. Did I mention it was raining? Yeah...I was becoming increasingly wet...I couldn't feel my toes...or my fingers, but something possessed me to drink the iced coffee that I had brought with me. I think I was hoping the caffeine would make my blood warmer or something.

I want to say that one of the twins caught some seaweed, but other than that we proved to be relatively unsuccessful. By we I of course mean everyone who could still move. We decided that we needed to bring "bro" back to the dock that we had drifted so far away from, so we throttled the engine and brought him back. He hopped off and began to walk away. Just as we were about to leave, a strange noise began to emanate from the back of the boat. I of course said, "I don't think boats are supposed to make that noise" while Sven raised the propeller...and proceeded to remove it from the motor.

I'm not sure if you know this, but propellers are supposed to be attached to the motor. He took it off. I'm sure you can imagine my confusion as we were attempting to leave, but this was clearly a step in the wrong direction. Turns out something had fallen off...some important metal-dealy that made it impossible for us to continue our journey home. And it was still raining...harder. And I was cold...I might have mentioned that earlier.

***I feel as though I need to give a brief description of why I was so cold. My body temperature is a good two degrees colder than everyone else and I tend to have ice running through my blood. Also, my circulation is basically non-existent in my fingers and toes. This is the opposite of Tomas who's regular body temperature could fry an egg. You can see why we work so well together :D

It was probably another hour before we managed to get it fixed after asking a bunch of the nearby houses for various tools and strange devices. I believe the missing piece was a nut, like with a nut and bolt? I don't really know though. "Bro" managed to make it back, though he didn't bring coffee like he was asked. We had been hiding out in a small, but useful, wooden gazebo or something that wasn't to far from the dock. In fact, I think it was attached to it. In any event, I tried to dry off, and seriously considered trying to build a fire from some wood I could see in a creepy looking old boat house, but neither of those things happened. By the time we got back in the boat, I don't know that my efforts were worth it at all...I was still wet...

The ride back consisted of me cuddling as close as humanly possible to Tomas while we sat on a life jacket on the wet metal floor of the boat, trying to avoid the wind at all costs, while also hiding inside my jacket/sweatshirt so as to make myself warm from my exhalation (I had decided by this point that the spiders (if there were any) didn't care about me, so I could sit down and not worry about it ). I don't know that anything really worked and I was being stabbed in the back by something the whole way...I think it was a wooden plank, but I can't be sure. Filip fell asleep in the bow of the boat and Kevin sat shivering next to Tomas on the other side. Marcus got to drive. I didn't see much of it because my hood blinded me to the outside world. Apparently there were whales at one point, but I think I missed it...:(

As soon as we docked and I jumped off the boat I asked Tomas for the keys to the car and we began our trek to the parking lot. We turned the car on and because I couldn't feel my toes, I turned the heat on full blast and circulated it around the car. I untied my, now wet, shoes and took off my socks so I could try to defrost them. It worked, because by the time we hit the road I was well on my way to having my normal body temperature back.

Now, I am warm and mostly dry. Tomas is looking at me like, "Stop typing and let's GO HOME. I want to watch a movie..." and I'm typing away.

Just so everyone is aware, I'm not complaining. I actually had a really fun experience. It was my first time on a boat in the ocean, and really, it was exciting and entertaining. I was just really cold and wet the whole time. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

I should probably stop so Tomas will stop giving me the evil eye...

Just remember to always bring extra pants when you go on boat trips...and a scarf. Oh, and mittens. They're good to. A hat probably wouldn't be a bad plan. And did I mention it was raining? I don't know if I did.

Simple Pleasures

It is time to reveal a certain simple pleasure of mine. That of sitting down in the shower.
No, I do not mean simply, taking a bath. I mean having the wonderful feeling of the water raining down on you from above AND the relaxing feeling of not having to stand up to support yourself underneath the water.

I ask you, where else can you feel warm, clean rain, fall upon your nude body? No where, that's where. I feel as though few people actually know what a brilliant experience this can be and so I thought I would share my genius.

So, the next time you are in the shower, think about it. Just take a seat and relish in the beauty of everything. I promise you won't regret it...unless of course you have some ridiculously small shower...or no legs or something. That would be tragic. In which case I am sorry.

Small annoyances...

You know what is annoying?
Being tired on a train and not being able to sleep because small grade school children are not being wrangled by their so called "parental units." What kind of insane, disrespectful adult would let their small child of approximately 8, literally run up and down the aisles of the fucking train?!?!?!? IN BETWEEN THE DIFFERENT CARS!

I just don't get it. People are retarded. I guess I can't say much...maybe in Norway that means something good. Crazy cultures and stuff. :P

In other news, I have decided I am more obsessive about stupid things than I really need to be. FOR EXAMPLE:

Today I walked around Trondheim with Tomas, who is, if you don't know, the guy that I am attached to at the hip. Huzzah. I realized as we were walking around that I really should have worn something much cooler because it was actually warm outside (for a change...and for like, the first time since I've been here). Unfortunately, I am not as psychic as I may appear, so I did not foresee the beautiful weather that would befall us. Not that it would have mattered anyway because I am so obsessed with what shoes go with what outfit that I can't wear half of the stuff I brought with me anyway...UGH.

Ah, but you see, I managed to solve this (not really real) problem earlier today. I purchased a pair of white shoes!

Only thing is, I'm still going to be self conscious about it until I remember that EVERYONE in Norway has the exact same shoes.

Clearly the moral of this story is that I need to work on my psychic abilities.

Normal Taken to the Next Level

I recently was introduced to a blog that I find absolutely hysterical. It has inspired me to create something new. A blog about the average things that happen to me in my life, but with a super twist added to them: my amazing, awesome, epic creativity.

For example, I am currently in Skogn, Norway with my love, visiting his family. I have been here since the 16th of May and am staying until the 6th of June. We have been having a wonderful time being tourists (well, ok...I have been a tourist. I'm sure I'm embarrass the hell out of him when I take pictures in public like the nerd that I am.)

Now, before you decide that I am a boring person because this sucks so far, hear me out. My story begins as such:
The other day we went to Trondheim to visit some friends of Tomas'. I got in the car and prepared myself for what I thought would be a relatively short drive. How wrong I was...

An hour an a half later, we still weren't where we needed to be and were stuck in a round about. By this time I was sufficiently car sick and didn't really feel like being in the car or anywhere near a moving vehicle, let alone sitting in one waiting to get to our destination.

Whilst trying to calm down the epic sea storm that was raging inside my stomach, I took a look out the window at the mess that was the construction site around us. Upon further inspection and day dreaming that I was elsewhere, I noticed a man. He seemed to be in his thirties, if not older as his hair was rather gray and his face seemed weathered. Then I saw it. He had a skateboard, and as I prayed to the skateboard gods that he would begin to ride it, my wish came true. This thirty something hopped on his skate board and rolled away past the traffic to freedom from the congestion of the cars and the stupid roundabouts that makes me sick.

I sat there in amazement and decided that I needed to learn to skateboard. So, I added it to my list of things to do. Of course, this is a list of things that probably won't happen anytime soon such as:
Buy a stand mixer (so I can bake more often...or at all...)
Learn Sign Language
Drink Black Coffee
Buy a skateboard
Learn to skateboard...

Etcetera, etcetera.

So, you see? My life isn't so boring after all. Just normal, and well played as far as I'm concerned. Expect more in the future. I enjoy telling you about my tales.

Until next time
Emily - Average person extraordinaire